The New 30

I remember when Madonna turned 40 and all of the magazines claimed that 40 was the new 30. What does that make 30? Not the new 20.

At 20 I was outgrowing my short bleached blonde hair, getting ready to graduate college. I was so full of youth, ambition and naivete. I still believed I could do anything. Well that gap of opportunity has definitely narrowed, but I am closer to some dreams.

I don’t remember what I wanted to accomplish before 30, but I am sure it had something to do with achieving more success as a writer. But I have a great husband, beautiful daughter and crazy pooch.

When I was 19 I dated a 32 year old who told me turning 30 was emotional. As the big day looms six week away, I am coping with my conflicting emotions.

Berated

Okay not a sexy topic, but a relative berated me for using a too small car seat for my little girl.
1) I knew the straps were not the right size, but she still fits in the car seat.
2) I live in NYC and don’t use the seat that often.
3) My friends don’t use a car seat that often so we “don’t know.”
4) I would never intentionally endanger my daughter.
5) You don’t have to tell me how dangerous the seat is, a simple tactful explanation would suffice.

My cousin took #5 and told me that my daughter was outgrowing the seat.

I was researching seats last night and found out that since my daughter’s head is not popping out of the top, the seat was fine. Way to make me feel like a neglectful mom, Relative #1.

It’s not ALL fun

A lot of motherhood is wonderful and rewarding. Yesterday when I came home, my daughter pulled herself up from the changing table to give me a hug and a kiss. I wanted to melt. There are lots of precious moments with her that stop me in my track.

But then there are the less than ideal times whether it is Baby screaming at the top of her lungs, refusing to let me cut her rapidly growing fingernails, twisting on the changing table making it impossible to put on a fresh diaper. The list continues.

I feel that I need to allow myself the freedom of not feeling guilty if I am not savoring every moment.

I know, I know, I am blessed. I have a GREAT HEALTHY child who sleeps and eats well. But I do love getting out of the house. I went away for a few days and had so much fun I nearly felt guilty for not feeling guilty. Upon returning, I wanted nothing more than to spend the day with my angel.

Freud Moment: I don’t think my mother ever felt guilty about leaving me and my two older siblings. Sometimes (many times) I resented her for having a life so independent of us and traveling. I think I am hoping to discover the sweet spot where I am happy and my kids will not feel dismissed or compartmentalized.

The One that Got Away

It is fair to say that there was a guy who “got away.” We had an intense emotional connection, or so I would like to think, and he had a girlfriend and I said that I did not want to be party to him cheating. He chose her. When I told him I met my now husband he gave a speech about what a wimp he was for not fighting for me and how he walked away from his chances. There was nothing more for me to say.

I guess that is one of the things about writers, they can be pretty articulate in their thoughts.

I know he married his girlfriend, more out of obligation than love. Kind of complicated, but I understand the story. I wonder if he thinks about me the way I think of him. Not that I want him, but I want the attention that he bestowed upon me. I want him to still admire me the way he did and the way I admire him (and his writing, or should I say writing career).

More on this later as I am embarrassed to admit that I think of this often.

Bad dream

The other night I had an awful dream. My husband’s secretary was not working out properly and the only way to get her to “drink the kool-aid” as he would say, was to sleep with her.

Flash backward several months when I had a similar dream. In order for him to be initiated at his current job, he had to sleep with an employee. We discussed this and there was really no choice. He told me the girl he had eyed and when it was all over he mentioned few details and told me how un-fun the whole experience was.

In my dream I asked his brother if this is what goes on at corporate America and i cannot remember his response.

After both unpleasant dreams I was in a bad mood. My therapist commented that the dream or nightmare rather was all about me and my feelings/ issues towards sex, completely independent of my husband. After all, he was a gentleman both times.

I told my husband about the second dream and he assured me I had nothing to worry about. I don’t know if it was related to the night, but the previous day he called to tell me how much he loves me.

In my dream he was using his sexuality to fulfill a goal, one related to his career. In my life, I am afraid of both using my sexuality and not being able to use my sexuality to get attention or…

I don’t hide that I am horny and I will occasionally tease my husband. When he claims a model made googly eyes at him, I tell him to pursue it. When he talks about moving to his hometown in rural America and he promises me horses, I tell him I just want a stable boy. These days he has been promising me two.

therapist says it is all about me and nothing about matt,
using sexuality to get what you want.

Teaser

I love my husband and would never cheat on him. It is not worth it to jeopardize what we have. That does not replace me wishing some things were different in the relationship.

I try to go back to the passion that we had when we first met and did the long distance thing. In one weekend we would cram a week’s worth of activities including sex…well maybe a month’s worth then! The time apart was filled by us sending the sweetest love notes to each other. It was so intimate and me giddy with excitement. This was before I comprehended that he would work 12 hour days, come home and get into more arguments on the phone and blackberry while pretending to listen to my day.

I recently reread some emails and told Hubby about it. I think he was expecting to have some sort of angle – remind him of an unfulfilled promise or similar. I just wanted to tell him how smitten I still am and how touched I was by his sweet words.

I am lucky. (stop gagging, please)

I am just not into you

Sex and the City writers made a hit by having one of the characters say the obvious. He told Miranda that the guy who did not call her did so because “he is just not into you.” This overwhelming reaction to one of those “duh, of course” statements spawned a book and a movie by the same name.

When I talk about wanting to flirt and wanting attention, I do for purely egotistical purposes. I want attention. I want other people to confirm that I am appealing. I want to know that even though I am a mother, I have not completely traded in my identity.

Someone recently commented that I should “flirt online” on a yahoo site, post a photo of myself. Another commenter plugged her website for fellow milfs. Thank you, but no thank you.

I think there is a part of me that does not want to actively seek blantant flirting. I’d be devestated if I discovered hubby was doing that. Somehow, by writing anonymously here or smiling coyly at a hot guy in the elevator while hiding my left hand in my pocket is more innocent than pro-actively seeking someone’s attention. Besides, there is the other person’s emotions and feelings to consider. I don’t want to toy with that – mainly for karma purposes, but still… And I am a mom. I cannot open myself up to any sort of danger the way I once did.

So, perhaps that is why you won’t find my smoking picture on a website looking for more friends. no emotional cheating for me.

To some this may come across as hypocritical, but the balance works for me, and I guess that is what counts in the end of the day.

First Vibrator

I was absolutely humiliated when my Dad’s wife of all of about five minutes suggested I get a vibrator to take to college my freshman year. I told my mom and she laughed at the ridiculousness of the suggestion. Who uses a vibrator I thought? I was 17 and did not meet one person who admitted to vibrating. I squirmed in embarrassment when my stepmother told me about my dad discovering her toy. eww.

I don’t remember how or why I turned around, but next thing I knew we were roaming the aisles of Caldor looking for a “facial massager.”

Ten plus years later all I can say is Thank you Stepmom! It’s one of the nicest most eye-opening experiences ever. I almost pity my mom for being so ignorant about this satisfying aspect of life.

Several months later I helped a frustrated friend overcome whatever issues she had with masturbating and loaned her Pan Man as we nicknamed that little Panasonic Pleasurer. I can think of at least two or three other friends who I have also influenced in the realm of toys.

Now it is hard to believe that I ever had any issue with “it”.

After backpacking in Southeast Asia post college I was horny. I had a layover in Hong Kong and was staying at some very funky hostel where nobody spoke English. Horny and alone I stopped at a street fair and saw some guy selling a mini-massager. Why not? I thought. Being slightly bored, I pretended I did not know what the toy was for and had the salesmen in his very limited English demonstrate how the gadget could massage my head and neck. I wonder if he knew I was in on the joke.

Stacey’s Mom

If I have another daughter, I’d like to call her Stacey so I can feel sexy every time I hear the song, Stacey’s Mom. This would probably humiliate my daughter and her friends are more likely to consider me a relic for naming my child after some song that occasionally finds its way on the oldies station.

I just want to feel hot and sexy.

Swak

Following in the tradition of Tupperware and Mary Kay house parties/ sales events, SWAK enlists people to sell sex toys to friends. My friend who I just visited was one such salesperson.

She is about to move and brought out a huge plastic bin filled with dildos, vibrators, creams, lotions, candles, whips, cuffs, games and more. At first, I thought it was her personal collection. The thought of sharing her vibrator was not exactly a turn on for me (but i am sure for some of you it would be)

I left with a whip/ feather combo, a pair of restraints and playing cards that I already slipped into every one of my husband’s suit pockets. Let’s see if he notices.

I will write about my first vibrator on another post, and how I helped one friend overcome her issues and learn to masturbate.