Balls of Sunshine

April 19, 2013

The other morning my five year old was difficult the entire fifteen minute walk to school.  She was filled vitriol as her two younger brothers rode in a stroller.  Lots of “I hate you”s and insults non stop.  

When I picked her up at school I commented on how she was in a better mood.  “Doesn’t it feel better to be happier.”  


She replies.  “Yes.  But I still hate you.”  


A moment later she tells me she’s joking.  


Orphaned Adult

April 19, 2013

I finally get the last word with my parents.  


They have been the one constant throughout my life and now they are not here, at least not in the physical sense.  I can smoke a joint in my backyard and talk to them.  I know they are proud of me, as a mom, a wife, a woman, a businesswoman.  


Life appears more imminent.  I have an acute awareness of the finality and uncertainty of it all.  My only guarantee is death.  

None of us make it out alive.  


i try to focus on how fortunate I am with an amazing husband and three healthy kids.  I know I will be okay.  I know this raw wound now encompassing the wound from losing my mom will not remain this vulnerable.  


It really hurts.  This is a club that we should all join.  My rabbi is honoring the yertzeit of his daughter this week. My rabbi who misses my father as much as my siblings and stepmother do.  I have a choice now more than ever who to incorporate in my life and how,  My stepmother will stay.  Who I once considered my stepfather but now regard with less familiarity is in a peripheral role.  I’m making less effort in some friendships and investing in relationships that reciprocate.  Like that of my crying 15 month old.