Warning: PMS

April 22, 2011

Remember that Saturday Night Live commercial for Annuale, the birth control pill where women get their period once a year? Side effects during the menstruation are severe: potential growths and absolute insanity.

Before my monthly Aunt Flo I become unbearable, nasty, explosive and confrontational. Last week I warned my husband when he came home and asked about the mess. “I love you dear, I’m incredibly irritable,” I said before lashing out at him for being home late on the one night a week I ask that he comes home before the kids’ bedtime.

The following day I had a confrontation with a new babysitter. Our regular sitter cancelled at last minute and with my brother in law and sister in law in town I scrambled for a replacement ultimately finding an available sitter recommended by a friend of a friend of my other sister-in-law. The email exchange made her appear like Mary Poppins’ second cousin at $15 an hour. When she arrived both kids were bathed, one asleep the other should have been going down in 15 minutes.

Of course she let my daughter stay up later and gave her food (and I am sure did not brush her teeth again). I later noticed she moved magazines to cover up the yogurt stains on the table lest she actually wipe the table.

When I came home and paid her slightly more than $15 an hour for her time she complained without specifically asking for more money. I held my ground and explained that her regular employer pays her $15 when the child is awake. “Two children are more,” she said. As she kept counting the money and looking at it on the counter, still lingering, I finally asked, Would you like more money?

She avoided answering yes but still did not leave. Finally I pulled out a few more dollars and told her to take it “for my sleeping son.” She did not like my comment and told me so. At last she left refusing the additional money.

While I knew I would never use her again, nor would I be so eager to invite a stranger to watch my children again, I could not stop thinking about the confrontation, wondering if I behaved properly.

Emotional and premenstrual I did not want to spend the rest of my evening with my husband consumed by a woman I would never see or employ again.

According to The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari, that the mind can only focus on one thing at a time. As negative thoughts come into one’s mind, one can immediately think of something more appealing. In order to distract myself, I started going down on my husband. It’s probably one of the few times that a bitch of a babysitter became an aphrodisiac.


Intimate Encounters

April 5, 2011

Before my penultimate vacation I had dinner with the mother of my daughter’s friend. After several drinks we began to share intimate details. By the first glass I learned her husband does not watch porn, the next glass we discussed chaps and wigs and by the third I knew her husband lasted about ten seconds.

Naturally the next day I was ordering leather chaps on line and she was shopping for a nurses costume. We both picked up new bras at Victoria Secret When I surprised my husband with the new purchase (and boy was he surprised) I kept thinking about my friend. After sharing intimate details with someone, then doing said intimate actions with another my mind naturally thought of the first person.

And so it was. I went away without my husband for a week then consummated our reunion, during which thoughts of sex and power immediately brought me back to my dinner. That my husband commented on the mom being smoking probably contributed to me thinking about her during sex.
Read the rest of this entry »