Will you be my friend?

December 6, 2011

I’ve written about my friendship insecurities before, many of which stem from a childhood that felt at most times friendless. There are people I’ve requested friendship from on Facebook, at least one person who was at multiple tween birthday parties that went ignored. There’s the other friend who moved several states away who I considered my best friend at least in second through fourth grade who accepted a request but shut me down when I asked when she might be visiting our hometown. “I’ll let you know when I’m back in New York,” she responded to my wall comment. I’ve since writing on her page but did notice multiple pictures of parties at different occasions in our hometown.

In all fairness, it’s not like we communicated much since eighth grade even though we shared many classes through our last year of high school (I had briefly changed schools). Hint taken.

But then I have friends in my city with whom there have been no falling outs (that I am aware of) who have been seemingly evasive. There is one friend in particular who is single and I mention this because we are in very different stages of our lives. She has a demanding job which understandably limits her time and energy but I cannot help but take it personally. I’ve seen her obsess over a seemingly innocuous conflict that clearly did not appear to demand immediate attention. She makes significant efforts to see out of town guests and even hosts disrespectful colleagues that she admits to not even liking.

I’ve gone what I’ve considered out of my way to accommodate her whims and neuroses so we can see each other.

She’s cancelled plans, doesn’t reply to emails or texts (in fact was quite lame on my birthday when we were both in town). I wonder if this is a result of her own drama – and I am sure there is ample amount of that, or if she is upset or wants to sever ties. I happen to really like this friend when we are together and she was incredibly faithful during an awful time in my life. We’ve gone through binges where we will spend time together and then she will go radio silent for months on edge.

I’d like to tell her how I feel but it is hard when we do not see each other. I wanted to tell her how disappointed I was by what happened on my birthday – she texted me in the morning, said she had work to do, wanted to know where we were watching fireworks then all but said I’ll wait to see if I get a better offer – never acknowledging my birthday or checking in later in the day – but we did not reconnect for at least a month later and it felt weak on my part to bring it up after the fact.

Again, I know she is busy at work, and dating and probably has more fun out with friends who can drink and waddle a lot less. Humbly, she may be jealous that I am married with children (a window that is closing for her), and do not have to cope with office politics.

But I cannot help wonder is it me? Is it her? Did I do something? Should I stop making the effort?