The other day I sat down with my father and asked him some of the uncomfortable questions about his behavior when he was married to my mom. I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish but I knew I wanted to hear my dad’s version of his dalliances echoed so clearly from my mother and grandmother.
The conversation was less strained and my father less defensive than I had anticipated. And perhaps to be expected, my dad shared some unpleasant things about my mom, insinuating that she was unfaithful as well. Some rumors he vehemently denied, one incident he chose not to discuss and on a whole he downplayed the affairs to only a few a year, which is still plenty but I had presumed it was more.
Of course I cannot go to my mom and ask her for a rebuttal so her relatively uncensored anecdotes over the years will have to suffice. I hate how my father portrays himself as so righteous and infallible. At his brother’s funeral he said my uncle would have been happy to have any of his actions on the front page of the newspaper and, my dad added, “I feel the same way.” That pride is incongruous with his previous behavior and I wanted him to own up to it.
It’s a lot to digest. My husband does not want to hear it. Some things I promised not to tell anyone including my siblings, and I am not scheduled to see my shrink until next week.