There’s a popular new book out called Go The Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach which summarizes exactly how I feel at this moment. The book is number one is Amazon’s parenting section and #2 in humor and it will not be released until October. Obviously I am not alone in my desires to get my children to go the fuck to sleep, but in the midst of it at this moment I feel like I’m miles from Guam holding on to a broken piece of styrofoam.
I’ve stayed with my daughter, brought her water, tucked her in multiple times, gave a plethora of kisses but she remains in bed screaming bloody murder. On her most recent escape outside the bedroom I thought to scare her back to bed. The loud unfamiliar voice just brought on even more tears. I’ve threatened to call the elusive manager but steered clear of other threats I’ve made in the past in heats of passion including but not limited to giving away her toys, not bringing her to school, removing a decorative sticker from her wall, spanking, telling her teachers, and banning the television which punishes me more than the kids.
The books says:
The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest,
and the little creatures who crawl, run and creep.
I know you’re not thirsty, that’s bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down my darling, and sleep.
I’ve tried reasoning and rationale, threats and bribes, and my daughter for the past hour has screamed in bed. I’m trying to keep my cool and not yell but it’s an ultimate test in my patience. A staring contest of the toddler variety – who will break first – her from the incessant tears or me who is on the verge of yelling.