Because my first two pregnancies happened quickly, I’m assuming conception for #3 will also happen quickly. My sister had such a challenging year conceiving her second child, becoming emotional and devastated at the arrival of her period each month, that I have consciously decided to be Zen about the process. This does not stop me each month from being convinced that I am pregnant. Why else would I have heartburn, be exhausted, act more impatient than usual and crave unhealthy foods? Apparently PMS and early pregnancy symptoms are nearly identical.
As a result each month when I am so convinced my period should have arrived I pee on a stick in anticipation. And each month I try to wait a little longer than I did the previous month before taking the test. Last month I definitively had my period on Valentines day so I should be menstruating by the 15 of March (never mind I have not documented my schedule which could still be irregular from birth control or that February is a short month). By the tenth of the month I checked to see if I had a pregnancy test left, I had one, and tried to see if I could go a little longer before taking it. A day later I threw out the box and hid the test with my panty liners. I usually discharge heavily but since I have not this month, I wonder how/why my body is changing and hold off a little longer.
In fact every time I am in the bathroom I wonder if it is a good time to discover that of which I am convinced. I have a party tomorrow night where it would be fun to drink, so perhaps I can wait until Thursday to test. The longer I hold out, the greater the chance that either my period arrives or it doesn’t and thus more likely for me to pregnant. I try to hold off as long as I can and each month it feels like every day without my period or a result feels like an accomplishment.
After resisting all day, last night I took a test thinking it would be a good time to tell my husband that we were expecting. Having thrown the box away I could not remember how to read the results. So in my pajamas, hiding the test in my shirt sleeve I excused myself to check on one more thing before getting into bed only to realize I’ll have to wait another month and buy a new pack of pregnancy tests.
I want to restrain myself. I do not want to think/ obsess about having a child. But then I see other people pregnant, intentional or not, second or third child and I get competitive. I want to be pregnant, not even so much to have another baby but to be in the game. If so-and-so is knocked up then I can as well. I want it to want it and to be in the game. I do not want to listen to people lament about negotiating three (which sounds almost prohibitively exhausting) I want to join in the conversation. I want to roll my eyes and say, what was I thinking?
Lying in the steam room at the gym I think how once I conceive I’ll have to sacrifice this luxury. I savor every bite of sushi and enjoy trying the fancy cocktails at restaurants. I eat blue cheese and deli meats without fears. Later this month we are taking a family vacation to Jamaica where I think it would be awful to have morning sickness. I tell myself it will happen and I will roll my eyes and verbalize, what was I thinking?