Maybe, Maybe Not

My husband and I have been talking about having another child. It seems crazy articulating this as I can barely handle the two now and can feel my hair going gray as I wrestle to feed, dress, bathe and attend to them. But we are both one of three kids (Hubby’s the oldest and I’m the youngest) and I imagine it is easier to shuffle a new one into the mix before we completely abandon the toddler obstacles of diapers and tantrums. My parents, and my in-laws were both miraculously able to raise three kids so why not us? I am after all dividing my living room in a half to create an additional bedroom for the munchkins.

I had been a bit reluctant to go off the Pill because I was afraid that I would get pregnant super fast, before I technically wanted to. Number 2 snuck up on me faster than I would have hoped (one week moment when my daughter was 7 months old), and child #1 was conceived in about three months. So once I made the decision to quit the Pill I assumed I’d get pregnant immediately. Then I rationalized that it could take months and simply wanting to conceive was not enough to make it happen.

Yet every month since I stopped the Pill at the end of November I think I’m pregnant, perhaps because I do not have the Pill dispenser to remind me when I should expect my period or because after over a year on contraception my period is irregular. PMS symptoms are highly similar to pregnancy ones: moodiness, exhaustion, the cravings of chocolate and carbs. So, I’ve taken about three pregnancy tests all of which come back negative.

Every month my heartbeats with anticipation that there could be a munchkin growing inside of me and then there is the let down. Even today I’m convinced I should have my period but still hesitate to take the test. Last month I took a test which came back negative and three days later with no period, I seriously contemplated peeing on another stick. After that test I feel bombarded with images of happily pregnant celebrities and fellow moms at the school that cause a twinge of jealousy. Then I think about the consequences and restrictions that come with a pregnancy and a few days later I’m relieved that I am not.

Disclaimer: I know how fortunate I am to have to have two healthy kids when I have friends who cannot conceive one, or have had an unhealthy child, or do not have a partner with whom to conceive. However, back to me and my drama, I fear that the more I want a baby the harder it will be to conceive. I know I have options like taking my temperature or monitoring my ovulation that could expedite the process but I fear the more energy and planning I invest the harder it may be because there is such a psychological component to pregnancy. And while I want a healthy baby I’m intimidated by the amount of work, and perhaps wonder if it would be easier or more desirable to be pregnant after my family vacation or after the summer or when I feel I have a better grasp on my two.

My mom would say, careful what you wish for it might come true. Just another situation where mom was/is right. I’ll wait a few days before taking the test.

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