Just because I’m Wrong Doesn’t Mean you are Right

I’m loathe to admit that I made a poor choice, but when called out on it, I confessed to my friend that I did smoke a jay in the bathroom at the gallery hosting her lovely birthday party.
Mea Culpa.

I owned up to it and offered to cover the fine, which I later learned included mistakes by a caterer and was covered by the excess liquor and she subsequently refused.

This was the first party of hers that I brought my own joint, at every other function someone has shared one with me. This doesn’t dismiss my behavior. Nor does the fact that I did stop taking my medication and have not been acting like myself. It was not a reflection on her, just me.

If only I lived in a state where I could consume medicinal marijuana without inhaling.

The exchange ended with my friend, telling me via email and citing a stupid comment I made five years ago during a bridezilla moment that led to us not talking for a few years, this is a big deal and she wants to put our friendship on hiatus. “I need to prioritize and focus on some of the very important relationships in my life, and that means recognizing those in which there has always been mutual respect.”

I’m certain that if she sticks around, I’ll eat crow again at a minimum of every five years.

I’m hurt. I feel foolish. Nobody likes to be reprimanded. I’m trying to put everything into perspective.

40 is a big birthday and while I haven’t reached it yet, I’m sure it involves a lot of reflection and evaluation on one’s life. She also recently broke up with her boyfriend of two years which stirs up all kinds of emotions and stress. Maybe I am the absorbing some of the emotions from other changes.

She’s letting my action mean something different. She’s compartmentalizing it and attaching meaning and motive where there was none. But friendship involves two people and if one is seething, it’s hard to reconcile.

But this friend has not been an amazing friend. Yes she showed up at my mom’s funeral which will forever secure a place in my heart. While she resides less than one mile away, she has never met my two year old son. Nor does she respond to at least half of my invitations. I know she has had girl’s soirees that once included me then not. Did she not want my company or was I not on the radar? I do not know which is worse.

So you, like me, may be wondering where or what is the friendship. I don’t know. I respect her greatly as a writer and feel that we share a kindred spirit. She showed up when for me at a really horrible time in my life, but does that mean we have to wait for another parent to die to rekindle and for me to apologize profusely again?

She says, “I wish you all good things and I’m not mad at you and I certainly don’t dislike you, I just need time.” So take your time. But what happens after she decides to re-embrace me, do I remain a second class friend on probation?

I want to say more. I want to defend myself and my choices, even though they were not perfect, or at least offer insight into why I thought it was okay to light a doobie in the bathroom (which obviously I will not do again). I want to call her out on her friendship to me (coming to my mom’s funeral does not give one a pass to be an invisible friend).

I do not know if she reads my blog, and I’ve debated publishing this post, but I write it with my tail between my legs wondering if we’ll reconcile or how this post could influence it.

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