Caught in the Act

Have you caught your daughter masturbating?
Have you been caught with your hand in your pants?
It happens.
Mom, it’s not a big deal. It’s actually quite healthy.

As much as I have issues with my stepmother, I am eternally grateful to her for bringing me to Caldor, am I dating myself?, and buying me a Conair handheld “facial massager.” Not sure if my dad knows about this because he has not made any reference during his embarrassing and inappropriate verbal diarrhea. My boobs and menstruation cycle have not been off-limits.

Since I did not play with my hands, the idea of using a highly efficient and targeted machine was not in my paradigm. I had told my mom that New Wifey thought I needed one and my mom was appalled, as I was initially. We didn’t discuss self satisfaction, and the idea of needing a machine to replace a man seemed, well…it entailed a certain amount of resignation.

Of course my opinion has changed in the thirteen years since that fateful Caldor trip. Why would you need a man if you can have a machine zero in? No small talk, no waiting for the phone to ring, no awkwardness, no drama.

My college housemate a BDOC- Big Lesbian on Campus told me that I was lucky I was not gay because I would be desensitized to the human touch and only want to use machines. I like it both ways, but there are times I like the direct aim of my vibrator friend.

So mom, do not worry. It’s healthy. Ask your daughter if she wants to talk about it.
And if you were caught, you can always remind the witness that what you are doing is perfectly healthy and smart, and you can always say I don’t want to talk about it.

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