My sister has told me that I am one of the more positive upbeat people she knows. Really? Years ago I had self diagnosed myself with a mild case of depression and bipolar disorder with a slight case of ADD. Was it the result of reading too many psychology books or wanting to explain my mood swings?
It’s true, I can be positive and optimistic for other people, but when it comes to me, I can rationalize the positive and think of something on an empirical level but my emotions don’t always follow.
I look back on my life pre-husband and *ALL* of the foolish choices I made when it came to men, and there were many. I’m embarrassed that I let myself be so used, that I put myself out there in vulnerable and compromising positions, that I traded sex for emotional intimacy, that I acted, in hindsight, pathetic. Multiple Times. I’m not proud of where I was, and at times I was okay with the compromises I made, because it was the best available option and brought me closer to what I wanted at that moment. I guess that’s part of the whole growing-up, that’s-where-I-was-at-that-time process.
And I am sure all of the assholes who crossed into my earlier life helped shape me into who I am and made me appreciate the real thing when he came along. I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been flashing back to memories of laying beside a guy in bed and snuggling slightly, putting out feelers to see if he was interested in intimacy, waiting for a response. Frustrating. I wish I could go back and tell that girl that I once was, “it doesn’t matter. This guy isn’t worth it. He’s playing games and the more you indulge him in the games, the more he’ll play and the shittier you will feel.”
It’s all in the past and please g-d I won’t have to be in that dating/ courting situation again. I should be happy that I was naive enough not to know any better and blah blah blah.